Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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