Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
