I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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