Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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