Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
