I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
