I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
