I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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