I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
