Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
