So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
