ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
