What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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