I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
