Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
