sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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