I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
