I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
