and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
