Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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