Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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