If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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