I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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