My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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