You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
