I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
