I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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