sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
