mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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