I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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