i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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