I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We're too hungover to prance.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize