My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
