I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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