I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
