Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Will you blow on my dice?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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