And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
