Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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