I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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