420 ftw
My cat gives me a boner
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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