turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize