this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
