Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
