you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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