I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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