You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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