This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
