I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
