Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
