I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
