I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Randomize
