hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
