Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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