the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
