if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
