So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
