i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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