How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
