do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
