I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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