Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize