I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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